A Glossygirls Tale….

 Okay, so I don’t blog a lot about my boyfriend (who might be my ex-boyfriend at the moment) because he feels that the internet is like a alienship, with a bunch of aliens, and they are all waiting to get into our minds and find out everything they can about us and take what is sacred and step all over it. He feels that things about us should be private and not broadcasted to a million different people. he doesn’t understand that I enjoy to blog, or at the very least get on and read about other peoples lives. He doesn’t get that my daily log on to myspace is not to find a replacement for him, but to just keep up with my friends. So that being said, this is kind of a tough blog because I feel like I am being disrespectful to him, but I am so confused by things going on with us that I just need to get it out. Hopefully he won’t remember I even have a blog and therefore he will not read it.

So personally I have some things going on that involve my son and his father. My boyfriend, who we will call Mr. S, is having a hard time with this. Basically, he has been there since my son was a baby, and he does not want his real father involved in his life.  I feel strongly that he should be in his life because it is his Dad and that it isn’t a bad thing for my son to have two people that love him when it comes to a father.  So basically we have been fighting about this for weeks, actually months, and about two weeks ago it all exploded and now I don’t know what the f we are doing. We live together.  But we aren’t together. We broke up. But he is acting like he wants to be together. Yet he was the one that said if my son’s Dad was going to be in his life then he couldn’t be. Didn’t say that he wouldn’t be or didn’t want to be. Just said that he “couldn’t” be.  And I don’t know what to do. I am doing my own thing and trying to just see where the cards fall, taking advantage of the “not being together thing” to do things I haven’t done in forever. I went out last Saturday for the first time in forever and got trashed off my butt for the first time in two years (baby was at a sleepover, he didnt’ get trashed with me ) and Mr. S was all pissy because I was out.  Before I went, I told him that we were just going to have fun, like a girls night and that I wanted to make sure he wasn’t taking it as a “I am going to go find some guy to screw just to make you mad kind of night” and he told me to go and have a great time with my friends, it would be good for me he says, and that if I need anything to call. That I shouldn’t worry at all, because he didn’t think that for a minute. But all night he is texting me that I must be getting hit on my tons of men.  I have explained to him over and over that while I don’t agree with he can’t be part of our life if I allow my son’s Dad in his life, that I understand if he can’t do it. That I am glad he can be honest with me, and that I understand that it isn’t a thing about love, or rather lack of love. But at the same time, I am a believer that if you love someone you should be supportive of each other.  And the problem is that I am getting more confused by the day. We are very clear that we aren’t together. And he hasn’t indicated that he wants to get back together, yet he keeps making comments like he does want to. Obviously I am a little more guarded and I am not sure if I want to jump right back into being together if he feels so strongly that he couldn’t be supportive of the relationship my son would have with his Dad. I mean, I see it as it would constantly be a battle between us. I would constantly wonder if he is angry about it or resentful towards me. I mean this could be a dealbreaker between us. That is a lot to take in.  I am just not sure how to handle it. Do I give it another try because I am the big believer in love, or do I let him come to me? And if I did let him come to me, I get a little scared that I wouldn’t know how to answer him because I am not sure if I want to fight over this and be in the same place in six months.  OYE OYE OYE> I am really stuck on this one. I guess I am sticking to my guns so hard because I really feel like the best thing for my child would be to have his father in his life. I just can’t comprehend the thought of telling him you can’t be in his life. It goes against everything that I believe in, and not to belittle Mr. S, but who is to say that he will be there in a year or two or even five?  I don’t think I am in the wrong here, but he thinks I am.  Just makes me wonder if this is a dealbreaker.

So today was the big day. J had his 1st Birthday. I didn’t cry once all day. Okay, I lie. I got a little teary this morning when I woke up to hear him talking to himself. All I could think about was how at this time last year I was holding my brand new baby in my arms and staring at him in complete awe and wonder. And now he is sitting in his room saying “uh-oh” as I hear him methodically drop everything possible from his crip onto the floor.

Anyhow. The birthday party went great. I was actually surprised to find that I do throw one hell of a kegger for little ones. I apparently haven’t lost my touch, . We had musical chairs, guess the amount of candy in the candy jar, twister championship, cake, balloons. Actually, it looked like Spongebob Squarepants yaked in my living room, but hey, the kids loved it.  And of course we had the special little cake for J to dig his fingers into. You could tell the kid never has sugar…

But it was fun. I made it through. It was two Birthdays of sorts. We were celebrating his first year of life and my first year of being Mom. Kind of cool.